Chapter 1

July 27, 2017

            The first time I hear from my mom in years, she tells me that Eric is dead. I don’t care that she’s neglected me for the better half of my young adult life and I don’t care that this is the only reason she’s reached out to me. All I care about is my now deceased brother. She was extremely vague on the phone and didn’t give me any information other than that it was no one’s fault but his own. All of the questions that follow the death of a seemingly happy 26-year-old flood my mind. Eric didn’t seem unhappy at all, at least when he talked to me he didn’t…when he talked to me.

            The army has to give me emergency leave so I can go home for the service. Home is a loose term at this point. I feel as though the majority of my teenage years have been spent moving from place to place because that seemed to be the answer to all of my family’s problems; running away. My family is a broken unit. My biological father beat my mom when Eric and I were little, and when we left him, we didn’t have anywhere to go. With the little money we had pooled together, my mom, Eric and I left Miami and moved to South Carolina. The schools were decent, and the rent was cheaper than Florida’s. My mom met a new guy and quickly remarried. By the time mom remarried, Eric moved out and went back down to Florida. He missed his friends and convinced mom that he was going to take some classes at community college, but I didn’t believe it for a second. I didn’t mind my mom’s new guy at all; anyone is better than the scumbag we left behind. Within a year, my mom was pregnant with my now 7-year-old little sister, Annie. She is the most important girl in my life now.

One day when I came home after football practice, I found all of my things bagged up and thrown on the front lawn. My mom, stepdad, and Annie were nowhere to be found. I was 17 at the time. To this day, I still don’t know why they left me. I was a good student, a great athlete, and even a decent person. I’ve pretty much just decided to not let it get to me anymore. They have their reasons and I’ll never be able to undo the past. One of my friends, John found me sleeping in the locker room at school and his family graciously asked me to live with them. John’s family became my family too and it made not thinking of why I wasn’t good enough for mine easier. When I turned 18, I graduated high school, only because I had made it that far, and joined the army. There really isn’t anything else for someone with no money and no idea of what to do.

That about brings things up to date. It isn’t a glamorous story by any means, but it’s the only one I’ve got. With three years in the army under my belt, I’m hoping that by the time I finish up with my fourth, I’ll have enough money saved to start working on my college degree. I’ve always liked science and things like that, so that would be cool to study. Ever since I was little, I’ve thought about space, the solar system, galaxies, and all that stuff. It’s comforting to know that as shitty as my life may be, I’m absolutely miniscule in comparison to everything else. Eric and I used to play in the park by my house in South Carolina until it got dark out, so we could see the stars. We used to find shapes that didn’t exist and name them after made believe super heroes. But right now, the only thing I’m concerned about is finding the next flight from Italy to Florida to get home for my brother’s funeral.

At this point, after hearing my mom’s voice again and finding out the news about Eric, I realize that I haven’t cried at all. It’s been about two hours since I got the call and I’ve just been sitting on my bed staring at my black laptop screen in front of me. If the army is good for anything, it’s making their soldiers numb to the terrible circumstances that make up life. I feel as if I’ve lost all healthy ways of coping. The trigger reflex is a real thing. The army trains us to kill on sight. See something or someone that doesn’t look familiar and we’re trained to exterminate. That alone has gotten me to really forget everything else except for initial gut reaction. In the army, that reflex is a great skill, but in the real world, it’s insanely corrupt.

I snap out of my daze when I hear my roommate, Kurren, come running into the room. Casey Kurren is probably my best friend on base. He’s a stocky kid with a chill personality from Michigan. One of those that actually wanted to be in the army for some reason. He graduated high school and did an ROTC program in college. He’s been serving for two years and to my knowledge, he sees no end in sight. Kurren comes from a well-off family, the kind that has a summer house on Lake Michigan just for the hell of it. We’re practically complete opposites, but he doesn’t have to know that. For people like Kurr, everyone’s the same as him unless stated otherwise.

“Reeves, we’re all starting a game of football if you want in, we need a couple more guys,” he says as he throws off his already sweaty t-shirt for a different one.

“Nah, I’m good Kurren.”

He stops his haste just long enough to notice that I haven’t moved or switched my gaze. He can tell there’s something wrong. “Sam, you good?”

“I have to go home, my brother died yesterday,” I say very matter-of-factly. I’m really not one to sugar coat things or hide anything. I’m an open book about really anything…no one ever asks questions though.

“Ah fuck Sam, I’m sorry man. If there’s anything you need just let me know.”

After a couple of seconds when he realizes I’m not going to answer, he slowly shuffles out of the room awkwardly. That’s what makes Casey a good roommate, he doesn’t push when he knows he shouldn’t. I try to forget that I just told him what’s happening because now the whole base will know in a few short minutes. He’s good at giving space but has a loud mouth.

I swipe my hand over the mousepad on my laptop to illuminate the screen. I go online and book the first flight I find. I slowly get up and start getting my stuff together. Knowing that the next few days are going to be filled with tears, hugs, and reunions with people that pretend to have known my brother, I try to keep going in this numb state that took over me initially. It’s not too difficult until I hear my phone vibrate on my bed. I finish throwing clothes in my duffel and go see who it is. My sister called and left a voicemail. I go to listen to it and see a few older voicemails from Eric. In no way am I able to listen to any of them right now. I set my phone down calmly and just sit on the edge of my bed with my face in my hands. I suddenly feel as though I’m not ready for anything that’s about to unfold over the course of the next few days.